


was looking for a place to hide away

by toflowerknights



Series: i love you, don't you mind? [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drugs, Forced Medication, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-02 03:34:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2798021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toflowerknights/pseuds/toflowerknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What do you want to talk about today, Bellamy?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	was looking for a place to hide away

It was hard.

A lot of things were these days, but Bellamy found the routines to be the most difficult thing to settle into. Especially since Clarke and the others had escaped. Especially since Bellamy had decided to stay. He closed his eyes and for a moment he saw Clarke's frightened and slightly understanding look as he closed the doors, and then pulling the lever that would lead them to freedom.

Clarke had banged on the locked door and screamed at Bellamy to open it until the doors behind Bellamy burst open and guards streamed in. The last thing he had seen of her was her blonde hair as Monty pulled her with him. The guards got to him and pushed him up against the wall, face planted against the cold cement. It was only then he had realised that he had been crying.

He supposed that not seeing them since was a good thing. That either meant that they were alive and far away from here, or that they were all dead and not hurting anymore.

So, yeah. The routines were difficult. Mostly because he had gotten so used to fighting for his life that ordinary things as eating regularly was a struggle. It wasn't that much to do, but the excruciating pain of being alone 99% of the time took it's toll. His schedule looked something like this:

_Morning, wake up, take a shower, eat. Midday, twice a week; session with Dr Esten, the rest; alone. Evening, eat, pills, sleep._

That was something new as well. Every night a faceless guard would stop outside his cell, _home_ , this was his home now, and hand him a small paper cup with three white pills in it. The first time he had refused and had quickly learned that it wasn't an option. Two more guards had shown up behind the first and forced the pills down his throat until he couldn't do anything but swallow. And Bellamy had been sure he was going to die.

They left him, as they had done so many times before, feeling violated and shivering on the bed, and for the first time since Finn had left him he begged for him to come back. Before it had only been an empty gap in his chest, but that night he cried out his name until his throat was raw. 

When he woke up he found that he was still alive, with a tray with plain looking food waiting for him.

Bellamy found that he liked the drugs as much as he hated them. The drugs was the only time that he forgot how much Finn, the Finn in his head, had impacted him and it was the only time he forgot how much he missed him. It became easier to breathe on his own, even if he felt like someone else most of the time. The blurry haze made it hard to focus on anything other than putting one foot in front of the other and it was the only kind of peace Bellamy could handle right now.

-

"How are you feeling today, Bellamy?" Dr Esten asked him, like she did every time he sat in front of her.

"I feel fine," Bellamy replied, as always. He had a headache, and he rubbed the back of his neck roughly.

Dr Esten hummed and jotted down something in the file in front of her. Bellamy often wondered why he was there, why they still kept him alive, even after he had helped all his friends escape. He thought of the first time he had been in her office, how tired he had been, how much he had wanted to just go back to Finn and sleep. The sessions for two months after that had been grim silence on his part and amused smiles on hers. It was as if she'd been mocking him until he started to talk. And eventually he had. Two sessions after he had helped his friends escape he had started to talk and after that it had been hard to stop.

His good hand scratched the burned skin of his bad arm and wondered when he would stop hoping that he would feel it.

"Why don't we talk about your friends?" Dr Esten said and Bellamy's head snapped up. This wasn't part of their routine.

"Why?" he asked immediately and felt his heart beat faster in his chest. "Did you find them?"

A small smile hid the annoyance she felt towards him and she shook her head. "Your friends are nowhere to be found," she replied and Bellamy relaxed into his seat. "What I would want to ask you is why you're not with them."

Bellamy stared at her for a long while without saying anything, and she let out a long sigh.

"Bellamy, we've seen the footage," she said and clicked something on the computer in front of her.

Behind her screens started to flicker and Bellamy saw himself, Clarke, Monty and the others run through the corridor that would give them their freedom. He could see Monty reach the control panel next to the door, tearing it open and pulling on wires. Halfway through Bellamy saw himself freeze and not move for a few seconds, before moving forward with a much slower pace than before. Bellamy knew what would happen after. He would wait until the last of his people was outside the door before walking up to the control panel and shut it. Then he'd save his friends, because that was the only thing that made sense at that moment. Guards streamed into view and pushed Bellamy up against the wall. The screens faded to black.

"Why did you stay, Bellamy?" Dr Esten asked him lowly and patiently waited for his reply.

"You know why," he said finally and was surprised over how steady his voice was. "I wasn't fit to be out there with them."

"And why is that?"

Anger built up inside Bellamy. "Because I spent months hallucinating Finn, only to find out that he had died months ago because of a war I wanted to fight. Because whenever I think of him I feel numb, because I should've saved him, but mostly because he's not here anymore."

Dr Esten looked at him pensively for a moment when he was done, scribbled something in her notes, and looked at him again.

"Do you blame yourself for Finn's death?" she asked him gently, but Bellamy felt like he had been slapped.

"I wanted to fight," he whispered, "Finn wanted to run. If we'd done as he said this would never have happened."

-

"We're testing something new today, Bellamy," Dr Esten said and pushed a small paper cup across her desk. Identical to the one he used to receive each night. He reached out and took it with an unsure hand and Dr Esten nodded encouragingly. "It's the same thing you usually get, except it's a stronger dose."

"Why?" he asked in confusion and was given a pleasant, but patronizing, smile.

"The things you told me our last session." she looked down on her pad. "Those are all classic symptoms of an anxiety disorder. Not to mention your hallucinations," she added and Bellamy felt cold. She noticed his rigid body and gave him a emotionless smile. "Bellamy, this is nothing to worry about. The fact that you stayed behind, that you chose to stay behind, is good. It means that you want to get better."

Bellamy didn't necessarily know if he agreed, but he knew that there was no use fighting. The permanent headache he seemed to have didn't help him either. He raised the cup and threw the pills back with practiced ease. Dr Esten nodded toward him with a satisfied nod. She leaned back and looked at him with a warm look in her dead eyes.

"What do you want to talk about today, Bellamy?"

-

When they were finished the pills had really taken hold. He didn't notice the guards arrival and had to be pulled out of his seat. He did not know how much time had passed or what words had left his mouth. 

Dr Esten gave the guards a long look as Bellamy left and he felt the hair stand in the back of his neck. He knew he shouldn't trust her, any of them, but his mind was too fuzzy to focus. He walked with hazy steps guided by the guards and allowed himself to be led into his cell, his room. Led into his room. Or was it cell? It was hard to keep track these days.

The guards pushed him down on his bed and leered down at him behind their masks. He let out a low moan. He just wanted to be left alone. The worst thing about the drugs was that it made him helpless and the last thing he wanted was for these people to see how broken he really was. The last thing Bellamy saw before he fell unconscious were faces intently staring down at him.

The same disconcerted sound left him when he slowly regained consciousness. The lights blinded him and he scrunched his face until they had become slightly more tolerable. He felt out of place, too weary and old for his body. He was at once remembered by the time he spent slowly dying in the dropship before the mountain men came and took him and wondered if that was their plan. To kill him slowly.

"I wondered when you'd wake up."

Bellamy froze and suddenly his heart was beating impossibly fast. As he turned around in his bed he kept his eyes closed and whispered  _please_ over and over again. Though he didn't know what he wished for. He opened his eyes.

Finn sat perched up on their dresser, one leg over the other, and looked at him with a pleasant smile. "Did you miss me?"

-

It took Bellamy twenty minutes of focused breathing and silent prayers to accept that he wasn't imagining things. Well, he was, but he wasn't imagining imagining them. Finn alternated between being amused and confused and followed Bellamy as he paced across the floor.

"You're not real," Bellamy repeated for, what he felt was, the thousandth time. "You're just in my head."

"And you're very observant," Finn said with a laugh. "How are you, Bellamy?"

Bellamy glared at him. "Shouldn't you know, seeing as you're a part of me and all that?" he asked with a snarl. Finn remained unmoved by his outburst and Bellamy felt embarrassed by the fact that he hadn't been able to act mature about the fact that Finn as back. Truth was, he was scared over how happy he was that he wasn't alone anymore. Because, despite everything he had uncovered while in Mount Weather he really had believed that he and Finn had spent months alone, quietly falling in love.

Finn looked at him fondly, as if he knew exactly what he was thinking. Which, Bellamy reminded himself, he probably did.

"How is it?" Bellamy asked, then immediately felt incredibly stupid for asking.

Finn knew, of course, what he was talking about. "What, dying?" he replied with a slight laugh. "Oh, you know. the usual."

When Bellamy looked at him expectantly he sighed, but he kept the same fond look on his face that he always had with Bellamy. "I can't tell you things you don't know, Bellamy," he said quietly. "You'll have to figure dying out yourself."

The way he said it made Bellamy feel like he'd said something wrong, and he quickly closed his mouth. Finn didn't look angry though, he was only staring at Bellamy with that curious, fond look that Bellamy had grown so accustomed to.

He might've looked a bit sad as well.

"Why didn't you leave with them?" Finn asked and sat down next to him.

Bellamy looked at him for a while, tried to form some sort of coherent thought, but there was too many things happening at once, and his mind hadn't cleared enough from the drugs to make sense of what was happening. He rubbed his temple with his thumb, tried to will the headache away. It didn't help. They stared at each other in silence until Bellamy was focused enough to answer.

"I'm sick," he replied. "I shouldn't be outside where I could hurt someone." The words sounded fake, even to his own ears, even though he knew that he found them to be true.

"Oh, Bellamy darling, you couldn't hurt anyone if you tried," Finn said with a small smile.

The words struck a chord inside Bellamy and he frowned slightly. He studied Finn for a moment. "You're different," Bellamy stated. "Not like I remembered you."

"Wrong," Finn replied and made his way closer, "You're different. Why else would I be here?"

There was something that felt like shame pooling in Bellamy's gut, and he turned his face from Finn. He went over the options, but there was really only one reason as to why Finn would be here.

"The meds aren't working anymore," he said quietly and startled as Finn let out a loud snort.

"The meds never worked, Bellamy," he said. "You were getting better on your own. You didn't need me. You don't need the drugs. You know that. You  _know_ it, yet you have to bring  _me_ back to see it."

When Bellamy frowned in confusion Finn let out a gentle sigh and pulled him close. The kiss was unexpected, and just as he remembered it. Bellamy immediately relaxed against Finn's mouth and let out a broken whimper when he realised that this was still all in his head. It didn't keep him from relaxing further into the kiss, though, and he clawed at Finn with his good hand to keep him from leaving.

With a gasp Finn pulled back and leaned his forehead against Bellamy's. "Bellamy, think," Finn whispered against his lips. "Why would I be here?"

Bellamy heard what he was saying, tried to get the words to make sense. He thought back to the time he had thought Finn had been alive, the reason he had stayed with Bellamy in the first place. 

"I'm in danger," he breathed. "I need help."

He could feel Finn smile in relief. "Yes."

-

"This is useless," Bellamy bit out. He was discreetly grinding a steel rod against the floor in one corner of the room. Finn told him that he needed to be prepared, should he have to run. Bellamy had been filing for what felt like hours and was getting tired.

Finn shook his head. "No, it's not. You need to be able to defend yourself. You need some sort of weapon."

"Why should I listen to you?" Bellamy drawled. "You're not real. Seems a bit useless to be listening to a dead guy."

The words hurt him more than he cared to admit. The guilt was still eating at him, wounds still raw when touched, and it was worse when Finn was right there to remind him of them. Finn looked at him silently, and Bellamy thought he might look a bit more subdued than usual.

"You're not real," Bellamy said once more. Quieter. "I know that now. You're not real!"

"Maybe not completely," Finn agreed. "But I am real."

Bellamy felt his heart break. This was the first time Finn had admitted it out loud. But with the statement also came confusion and Finn let out a small sigh. "Don't you see, Bellamy. I'm the part of your brain that wants you to survive. That cares about you."

"But why him?" Bellamy whispered and Finn kneeled down next to him. "Why is it him?"

Finn smiled. "Maybe you needed to hear it from him."

Bellamy hid his face from view and flinched slightly as Finn's hand, warm and certain, touched his cheek. The fingers trailed across his cheek, and Bellamy bit his lip to keep from whimpering. It searched its way to the back of Bellamy's neck and rubbed slightly and Bellamy pressed his eyes together when he felt the headache get worse. Finn let go and let his hand fall to Bellamy's shoulder again. Bellamy would never get over how real it felt.

"You need to be strong, Bellamy," Finn said, "Like I know you are." He pulled him in for a rough kiss and it was like a burst of clarity opening his muddled mind. "Be strong!"

-

"Will you stay with me?" Bellamy asked that night, pills first hidden under his tongue and discreetly thrown out when the lights went out. He was both scared and excited for the answer, and he relaxed remarkably when Finn nodded.

"You know I'll-"

"Still be here in the morning," Bellamy supplied, tears threatening to fall. "Yeah, I know." 

-

One day they brought in a girl, spitting, hissing and kicking with hair reaching down to her waist, covering her face. They tied her down on the bed Bellamy used to share with Finn and Bellamy’s heart broke when he saw that it was his sister. She's screaming at the guards who were holding her down, but her mouth only formed garbled sounds, that didn't sound anything like english.

At a closer look he could see that Octavia's body was covered in scar tissue. Her arms looked even worse than Bellamy's and it stretched up over her shoulders, in under the fabric of her shirt, up her neck and down her legs. There was a long, jagged scar across the right side of her face, cutting just beside her eye, down her cheek before it got caught in the corner of her mouth, making it look like she had a permanent pout.

Bellamy felt his world collide around him. What had happened to his sister? What had happened to her while Bellamy had been too weak, too useless to go find her?

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Finn asked in his ear. "Go up and talk to her. You've missed her so much!"

"I don't need you to tell me that," Bellamy mumbled quietly. He took a cautious step forward and froze as Octavia hissed toward him, to then immediately cower back into the pillows.

"Octavia?" Bellamy asked quietly, and he could see that Octavia had heard him. "Octavia, O, can you hear me?"

Heavy breaths were starting to replace the strange sounds leaving her mouth and Bellamy could see how scared she was. He felt a warm hand on the small of his back and that was all the courage he needed to take the final steps to the bed. He reached out a hand and didn't flinch as Octavia started to trash against her restraints. He didn't stop until his hand was gently laid on top of hers.

Loud sobs reached his ears and when he looked closer he could see tears streaming down her face.

"Octavia," Bellamy whispered in a crushed voice. "It's Bellamy."

Octavia shook her head violently and began crying in full force. "My brother is dead," she said throatily, as if her voice hadn't been used properly in years. "The grounders killed him. They showed me his body."

"Octavia," Bellamy said thickly and grasped her hand harder. "They were lying. I'm still here. Please, _please_ just look at me."

She didn't move for a long while, but Bellamy patiently waited for her to be ready.

"Bel?" she said in a broken whisper and Bellamy couldn't do anything but nod.

"I'm here," he choked out. "I'm here now."

Her face crumbled and she pulled at the restraints. "I thought you were dead," she sobbed. "Please, let me out. Get me out of this, Bel." Her voice betrayed her panic, and Bellamy pulled at the straps holding her down. When she was free she flung herself at him and pulled him close.  

Instinct told Bellamy to wrap his arms around his sister and never let go, that everything would be fine as long as they had each other. But he could see Finn's worried gaze in the corner of his eye and that reminded him of the fact that they weren't safe. And Octavia being here gave him all the more reason to escape from there as soon as possible.

-

Octavia rarely talked. Not to him at least, and definitely not to the guards or Dr Esten. But Bellamy would hear her mumble the same foreign sounds to herself over and over. And her english was worse off than before they parted. Every time he noticed it his heart seized in his chest when he suspected why that might be. How much terror had Octavia gone through the few months that they had been apart to make her body a shell of what it was, and how had it managed to make her afraid to speak?

"Octavia," Bellamy said one night. "What happened?"

After a few seconds of excruciating silence, Octavia began to speak. "The grounders found us. One month after..." A large pause. "After the battle. The mountain men raided their camp a few weeks ago and found me there. They brought me here."

"And... Lincoln-"

"Lincoln's dead," Octavia interrupted, hands shaking. "He was a traitor. He had to die." The words sounded forced, as if they had been said to her time and time again and she was merely repeating them.

Bellamy held up his left hand, palm facing up to show her that he didn't mean any harm, and waited for Octavia to nod before embracing her. Her hair brushed his cheek and it was in those few moments of comfort he absolutely hated what had happened to them. Sometimes he'd forget, too wrapped up by simply living to realise how fucked up their lives was. This was not one of them.

"I'm so sorry, O," he whispered, but soon realised that it was the wrong thing to say, because Octavia shook her head and mumbled something to herself. She tried to get out of his hold, but Bellamy wasn't ready to let go, had to show her that he meant it. Octavia seemed to realise it too, because she stopped struggling and simply let him hug her.

"Bellamy," she mumbled admonishingly after a while against his chest, and Bellamy sighed once before dropping his arm to his side.

There was a moment when Octavia did nothing but look at her brother, and Bellamy instinctively shied away from her prying eyes, afraid of what she would see when she looked at him. Finn was right behind him, giving what comfort he could. His lips grazed Bellamy's neck and Bellamy had to close his eyes to hide the pain it caused him.

And Octavia kept looking. 

She reached out her hand and gently cradled his cheek. Instinctively he leaned into the touch and breathed in the scent of his sister, ignoring the pounding in his skull, and relaxed into the comfort it brought. "Brother," she breathed, "What happened to you?"

"I went a little crazy," he choked out.

Octavia didn't say anything, only waited for him to be ready to tell her. Bellamy studied the scarred part of her face and gathered whatever strength he had to tell his sister.

"I didn't make it back to the dropship," he said as his voice had steadied. "So I ran. I wasn't fast enough and so..." he made a motion toward his arm and Octavia pressed her lips together with a nod. Bellamy continued. "I woke up to Finn shaking me awake, saving my life. He made me go back to the dropship and save what was left of myself and then we buried Raven, she died," he added quickly and allowed Octavia a moment to grieve. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. She died before the fight was over, I think."

Octavia nodded once more and tightened her grip on his hand. He couldn't feel it. "After that we spent weeks trying figure out how to save everyone in Mount Weather. We were first going to find you and then we'd go together to save our friends. They found us before we could."

He glossed over the details over what had happened to him when he first arrived in Mount Weather, knowing it might bring up too many painful memories for his sister. Instead he chose to focus on him and Finn, describing their days and how they would find weak links in their systems and how they met Clarke. How he and the others planned and executed the other's escape. How he stayed behind.

"Where is Finn now?" Octavia asked quietly.

Bellamy exhaled. This was always the hard part. "He's dead," he said slowly. "He was dead even before he saved me. He burned alive as we fired the rockets to kill the grounders... I had imagined all of it. I was all alone."

He looked at Octavia, who had tears in her eyes, and gave her a lopsided smile. "Told you I went a little crazy."

A broken sob escaped her lips, along with murmurs he couldn't understand, and she wrapped her arms around him. "I love you, big brother," she whispered. "You're not alone."

"I still talk to him sometimes," he whispered against her hair. "He's still here, I'm still crazy."

"I don't care," she replied fiercely. "We're all crazy, not just you."

"I always liked her," Finn said from where he had watched the two of them on the other bed.

-

"You, Clarke and Monty used the easiest way out," Finn told Bellamy one evening after both he and Octavia had had their supper and drugs delivered to them. "But you noticed several other weaknesses. Remember which ones?"

"Sure, I remember fifty pages of Clarke's tiny, immaculate, colour coded notes from several months ago, what do you think of me?" Bellamy asked sarcastically.

Finn smirked at him and kissed him roughly on his forehead. "You're a fucking smartass," he said and whacked him over the head. "I remember. Bet you a blowjob I'll find the best way out before you."

"I do not know which outcome I wish more for," Bellamy mused and grinned when he saw Finn's eyes lit up.

There was a cough to his right, and Bellamy flushed in embarrassment when he saw Octavia questioningly look at him. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. For a while he had forgotten that he wasn't alone.

"Sorry," he said and ignored Finn's amused scoff. Octavia shrugged and kept grinding the steel rod she held in her hand.

"Why is Finn here?" she asked him, and for a horrible moment Bellamy thought she was judging him. But when he looked at her he only saw open curiosity and he let his shoulders relax.

"He snaps up things I don't," he told her. "Like things I was told in the past but can't remember. Which salve goes with what, what the guards say when I'm too drugged to remember. How to treat burns." He gave Finn a fond smile. "He protects me."

Finn blew him a kiss which instinctively made Bellamy give him the finger. When he turned back to his sister she was watching him with an amused smile that made her whole face askew.

"You loved him, didn't you?" she asked softly and Bellamy felt his face flush. Yet, there was nothing he could do to hide the truth. Didn't want to.

"I did," he said.

-

Bellamy was dreaming. His vision was blurry and could only see contours of the people towering over him. He couldn't move. A quick look down, which made the room spin and tilt sideways, showed him that he was strapped down to the bed. A quick look sideways tilted the world upside down and showed Octavia's scarred body on a bed next to him. She was deep asleep.

"Octavia," he said, but the name escaped in a garbled groan. He tried to lift his head but a gentle hand touched his forehead, weighed him down until his head touched his pillow.

"Don't worry, Bellamy," a melodic voice like syrup told him, "It'll be over in a second, as always."

Hands turned his head sideways and he gave out a weak protest that turned into a pained whine. Octavia was a blurred shape in front of him, just out of reach, and Bellamy felt tears build in his eyes. He wanted to wake up.

"This will be uncomfortable, Bellamy," the voice told him and Bellamy felt a white hot burn in his neck. He tried to cry out, but his voice didn't carry. He was instead forced to watch as shapes unable to take form leaned over his sister's unconscious body. His fingers twitched in their bonds, trying desperately to help her.  _Wake up,_ he thought to himself.  _Wake up, for fucks sake._

"Bellamy, wake up!"

-

Bellamy woke with a shout, and found Finn curled up next to him, stroking his hair to calm him down.

"I didn't know you had a scar on the back of your neck," was all he said. Bellamy raised his hand and touched his neck, where his hair ended. A small, almost invisible scar aligned itself with his hairline and when Bellamy pressed against it his head exploded with pain. 

Bellamy rushed out of bed and threw up in the toilet.

-

"What are they doing to us?" Octavia whispered, pale as a sheet and hands shaking from unease, and Bellamy once more felt a white hot rage over the people that had caused his sister harm. He reached out his good arm and pulled her close.

"We'll leave tonight," he whispered. He repeated the information Finn whispered in his ear and didn't wait for Octavia to accept them, he just moved of his own accord. Bile rose in his throat once more when he realised that the reason that he'd been kept alive all this time were for the doctors to pick apart and study piece by piece. He had recalled several other 'nightmares' as he puked his guts out that morning, and he wondered how he could've been so blind. He pressed his hand against his mouth and closed his eyes.

He hid his face in Octavia's hair. "I'll get you out, sis," he mumbled against it. "No one will hurt you again."

Octavia let out something between a laugh and a sob against his chest. "And I will kill anyone who tries to do the same to you."

-

They were prepared. They had a plan. They would've gone through with it if it hadn't been for the fact that the Mountain blew up before they could.

**Author's Note:**

> omg??? what happened??? are they dead? are they alive? is this the end????  
> as always i love your comments <3


End file.
